namaste

Just got back from my first yoga experience.

It totally kicked my ass.

When I learned that a yoga studio was opening down the street from where I live, I got excited. It is something I have always wanted to try. I've read a lot over the years about the benefits of practicing yoga, and I am at a point in my life where I not only strongly desire such benefits but feel that I desperately need them: reduced stress and anxiety, increased strength and flexibility... and most importantly, balance. I want and need balance.

Today was open house and they were giving free classes all day. I chose to attend the basics class. When I arrived, I was nervous. When I entered the room, I felt intimidated. The first thing the instructor said was "Who has never been to yoga?" My hand was the only one that went up, and everyone looked at me as I was trying to get settled since I was the last one to arrive and had to take the only empty spot available, right next to the instructor. Nervous, intimidated, out of place. Did I mention I was the fattest one in the class?

I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought we would be stretching and breathing, basically; holding a few poses while focusing on breathing and clearing the mind, right? Yoga basics...

It was so hard!!

Because I am so fat, I had trouble breathing in some of the stances -- sad but true -- which sort of defeats the point, right? Like I needed another reason to lose weight... Thus the negativity entered my mind and pushed out some of the enthusiasm and excitement. Also, because I am so out of shape, I couldn't hold some of the poses. Before long, I was sweating profusely and getting weak. Eventually, I had to break from what the class was doing and just sit. I suppose the weakness just signals how much help I need, how far I have to go, but in that moment it was infuriating. I did not want to give up.

I returned to the first pose and tried to calm down and focus on my breathing. At this point, I was glad I had my back to the rest of the class so I couldn't see their faces. I was soaked. I thought, well at least I'm getting some kind of workout, right? I was determined to hold on till they were done, whether I could participate or not. I turned and looked around... Some of the more advanced students were doing some really incredible things -- things which, before this class, would not have seemed nearly as impressive. But now I knew the amount of skill involved. I wondered if I could ever get that good, get to the point where I could contort my body like that, and with as little effort as they were displaying. I grew hopeful again.

When the class got on their backs, working towards a cool down, I decided I could participate. I joined them again. They continued to do amazing things, and I continued to watch, taking care not to hurt myself or pass out. Then I found something I could handle: corpse pose. I guess that one is self-explanatory. LOL! Baby steps, right?

The class ended on a positive note. As soon as we were dismissed, the instructor looked directly at me and said "Are you OK?" At least she waited and didn't disrupt the class to check on me earlier. I had suffered enough embarrassment, even if it was only in my mind.

On my way out, the girl at the front desk was asking how I liked it. When I told her how difficult I found it and how much trouble I had, she exchanged looks with another girl there who was listening, and they both smiled and nodded, as though they had anticipated such a response. That's when they decided to mention that this particular instructor is really tough. They suggested that I come back and try one of the yoga basics classes they offer. I said "I thought this was the basics class, that's why I chose this one..." They gave each other that look again and told me not to base my decision on that class and that instructor, and that I should come back and try some other classes.

Will I go back? I want to. I suppose that as long as I work at my own pace I'll be OK. The girl at the front desk tried to encourage me by saying that since I am such a novice I'd have the greatest results. Is this the beginning of something great? We shall see.